1. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

2. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

3. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

4. I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

5. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

6. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

7. Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

8. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

9. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

10. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

11. We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

12. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

13. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

14. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

15. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

16. There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

17. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

18. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

19. I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

20. I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.